Serenity and I were watching Netflix (or Lightbox or one of the other channels) the other night and, while watching yet another sex scene on screen, I thought I would take a quickie (and we all know they're the best!) look at sex in the cinema vs sex in real life.
Now this is most definitely NOT a glance at sex in porn films, although now it is easier than ever to access pornography, including some very dodgy stuff indeed. It is a far cry from having to pluck up the courage, as a teenager, to go into a local newspaper shop, making sure that all women have left the store, and buy a copy of ‘Razzle’ or whatever. I’m not sure that such easy access via the internet is necessarily a good thing but that is not what we are here to chat about.
Film…I love films, my degree minor is in filmmaking, but the way sex is portrayed on celluloid (yes I am that old) or on TV, leaves much be desired. If you were a young person (we will call him 'Bob') , watching modern mainstream films and TV as a guide to bedroom etiquette, then only disaster awaits!
1) Women in film tend to orgasm within a few short minutes, and ALWAYS arrive in a loud, panting, cacophony… thus leaving time to order a pizza or watch the footie. This is not always the case in real life, and Bob would have to be a lot more attentive for a lot longer than his film counterparts if he wanted a ‘Happy Ending’.
2) Why do women on TV often wear bras in bed, during ‘gentle’ moments? They appear to have the bra SuperGlued on before, during and after events have transpired. Many is the film shot that shows a woman who has been outrageously intimate during the night still wearing a bra in bed the next morning? What was Bob doing all night!!
3) Foreplay is non-existent…now this is certainly not a confession. But on film all it takes for the hero and heroine to ‘get it on’ is a few moments alone in close proximity…barely a word is spoken before…bish, bosh bash, the knickers are flying (maybe not the bra though). Bob might find a rather frosty reception should he emulate his cinema heroes, and dive in like he was looking for pearls.
4) Where do all these screen women get the brilliant white man’s shirt that is just long enough to cover the essentials from? They strut into the kitchen to drink coffee with the top six buttons open looking stunning. My shirts would make Serenity would look like she was wearing a tent with Barnum and Bailey on the side! (OK, I am a big guy…think All Blacks build) If Bob fails to have these white shirts hanging around, then he is in trouble…
5) Talking about looking stunning, why do screen couples NEVER have ‘bed hair’ when they wake up after a night on the ‘Bouncy castle of Luuurve'? Or no smudged make up and breath like a badger? A look at his partner in the morning might come as a shock to Bob (and no picnic for his mate either I suspect).
6) Finally, sex on film is totally mess free! No trips to the bathroom, no sign of tissues etc… That's probably all I need to say about that...
Bob should never base his sex life on his screen idols…as we have seen, that is a recipe for disaster and disappointment…
The Silver Fox
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